I am not God

I stare into the woods; the breeze picking up its pace and soon the sounds that it brought along enveloped my conscience. I breathe…trying to let it all go and I tell myself… "I am not little enough to be perturbed by the winds". The winds of time change their tune and I try to make space for all the new things that the wind had brought along with her the way that I always do…Make way and take in all of it – in one single go. But this time, it was different… the volume that I had to take in left me aghast, shocked at all that had come along my way this time…But until this day the when did blow east screeching in its fury and anger there did always exist a breeze due west that made me feel I could take it all…I try to forget it all and perceive the world as I see in what I believed was 'A larger sight'. But fail did I this time…Ah! Yes it did…unexpectedly – yes, for never had I even in my wildest of dreams expected something so drastic and out of the blue…I was I had believed "Not little enough to be beaten…to lose" but aye, so wrong was I…for I had underestimated the strength of the wind and it blew down – raining me with the rubble from the ruins that had come in its path. The cold stones cut into my flesh, making me bleed and for a second I felt better, the warm blood flowing across my skin and I tried yet again to convince myself… I said "I wasn't so little to let go … to give up". And then, as I lay there amidst the restless dust, I waited for the sun to rise and slowly felt the cold bite into my wounds…making them bleed anew…

And finally realization struck and with the feel of the cold rocks against my face, I let it all go…and broke down sobbing helplessly…for you see I had finally accepted that "I AM NOT GOD!!!"

Paramour

The sun rose up to greet the expanse of the green blanket, breaking into a kaleidoscope of colors. As life began to stir, time was punctuated by the rhythmic thuds of metal on wood. The sounds echoed through the woods, waking up all forms of life…Little birds chirped in enthusiasm as they moved in groups, drawing up complex patterns across the pale blue sky. The trees began to hum with the breeze maintaining resonance with nature…The sounds continued to emanate from the middle of the dark green woods. And then, as warm daylight washed over the lands – we could see him, hacking away at the wood with his rusty axe. He was what he seemed to any ordinary pair of eyes – a woodcutter. As he stood surrounded by chunks of wood, we could all see that there was nothing special about the way he looked. I’m sure if you’d been here you’d have said – “Well, He’s a woodcutter who cuts wood”. Aye, so did I till the day his life changed forever…It was a bright and beautiful day, much like the present one. Little did he know of the events that were to follow of that fateful day that would turn the course of his thoughts, the direction of his path…He was cutting wood as usual, completely at peace with himself, glad at being able to hold his axe with both hands and feel the satisfaction that coursed through him each time his axe bit into the wood. If there was one thing about him that is worth mentioning at his point, it was his eyes. He had very bright eyes, ones that reflected a feeling of knowledge and confidence, radiating intelligence. I think this was further accentuated by the fact that the rest of him seemed so commonplace that when you looked at him, the eyes seemed to emblazon the moment. He was chopping away oblivious to his surroundings when the rustle of leaves made him look up. She stood there enveloped in the light, radiating a sheen that he’d never seen before…The aura about her made him stop for a second and stare open-mouthed. He hadn’t come across anything that radiated beauty in so many different ways all at once. Her serene face mirrored a tranquility that seemed unreal…he stared at this lovely creature with whose presence he had been blessed and felt a warmth envelop him that made his insides shiver in excitement. He looked at her unblemished face and was surprised to see a crease on her fair forehead. He was still unsure as to what he was feeling about her, but something urged him on to try and help her….He didn’t even know what he was after but at that moment nothing else mattered. He looked into her dark brown eyes, his own radiating confidence like never before…she looked away for a moment and then she was gone…He waited patiently and when the sun rose the next day morning, she appeared again – unleashing in him another surge of emotions that amazed him… The moment pulled on over several days, but time was not continuous for him anymore…the only times that mattered to him were the ones where she made her entrance into his monotonous sordid form of existence. Then one day, as they looked into each other’s eyes, her face broke into a smile. He felt a pebble drop into the bottom of his heart, the splash blinding him with joy. He stared, lost at her pale clear face with moist eyes radiant with life in communion with the sad but confident smile and for the first time turned away from her feeling so full of emotion that he couldn’t even feel the earth beneath his feet. The next moment she was gone…but all had been said tacit. The rest of the day drifted as in a haze and he was still unable to accept what he had seen in her eyes, in the eyes of his ‘Princess of Light’. It seemed impossible…but yes…he had seen it in her eyes…it was true…She’d loved him too…He lay near the river staring up at the full moon adorned by stars, thanking the heavens for bringing her into his life…It was then that he saw the large lonely moon smiling down at him…He smiled back thinking about how the moon was so beautiful and wondered where it would be if not for the sun…For could the moon serve a purpose if the sun did not shower a dash of her beauty onto the moon?...These thoughts consumed his conscious and as the complete reality of life struck him, he felt his head spin out of focus and his vision was clouded by the stars and the moon before it finally faded away to darkness….

As the sun rose up bright as ever the next morn, an empty patch of woods greeted her in solitude with an axe studded into a half-broken trunk. The breeze blew faster than usual, the birds chirped louder, all of life seemed restless and nature seemed to be drenched in anxiety… The sun shone brighter that day than it ever had, the daylight lasting until life itself was tired of work, and trees sighed, exhausted…Slowly the sun fell away and a melancholic aura was left looming over the lands…

As the stars came out that night, the moon was missing and out came he from the darkest caves that lay hidden in the midst of the lands…battered and bleeding within…His heart screaming in agony…But he smiled a brave smile and collapsed to the floor, for he knew that she was ‘The princess of light’ while he ‘only a woodcutter’ …The moon can never meet the sun…nor can he be a part of she…Thus faded his thoughts into the dark skies while his tears blended with the soft soil on which he lay…

The sun rose the next morning and the birds moved across the horizon making an intricate design upon the skies and a familiar thud of metal off wood echoed out of the woods…

Silver lining

The darkness faded away – renewing my sight, (7:07 PM)
I blinked - confused at the brightness beside,
Felt my body devoid of the scars of my past,
Relish the warmth that did radiate inside…

I moved about in wonder for so light did I feel,
Try accept this new form, so complete, surreal
Fear of the sounds of my dreaded past did fade
As my ears did open to new sounds all around

I smiled for a second, as the traces from my past
Trickled away into oblivion at my newfound path
My face crinkled for a second, as thoughts flit by
And then I could see it all, transfixed in time…

Sight was but clouded by shades black and grey,
Time was yet static, playing a boisterous game
For blind was I made by ugly patterns of fate
Even traces of faith had been – ‘aye’ in vain

Phases when darkness and gloom prevailed,
When the echoes of the cries did linger inside…
Encroached by shadows, forfeited by sight
Lain had I cheated, soiled – defeated by time,

You came as the flame – that lit up my skies,
Bleed into the darkness, bleaching it white
Struck at the shadows, like bright little stars
Did light up in my eyes – streaks of insight



Your faith in my form - scarred barely alive
Made me do something I’d so long left by…
Somehow you knew, what I needed to hear
To learn how to dream, hope and live anew

As the last of the darkness flitted across,
I remember my last sight of your pure face,
So serene and so brave – yet childish, lost
Before I was sent to this haven beyond life,

Somehow I know – a day shall you come
Free of the binding that holds you back
I sit on the sand staring up at the sun,
Waiting for the day, you’d be by my side (8:10 PM)


Void Thought
3rd March 2007

Tagged....hmm interesting concept

TEN FAVOURITES

Colours:Mauve,Turqoise,grey/gray
Food: Hmm...I'll have to write another post for this one...
Songs: Unwell(Matchbox twenty), Ariel,Innervision,LP, Nothing(that IS a song btw)....and... and... and...
Movie: All animated flicks(too many to pick), Gladiator(amazing piece of work)
Sport:Well, hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, I mean, Hmmm, aaahh well...(Aaargh)
Season: One that corresponds to the state of my psyche..
Day Of the week: Weekday
Ice Cream Flavor: Chocolate(Bitter bitter mmmm... Hold on I gotta get myself one)
Aaaah thats better!
Time of Day: Twilight, 1-3AM..amazing period...its a time when I rule...alone!

EIGHT CURRENTS

Mood: Transitive
Taste: Blood(bit my tongue during dinner...was eating too fast)
getup: After food my clothes wouldn't fit...so you realllly don wanna know.
music: Just silence....the tunes of the void beyond...
book: Rite now, umm lemme see a couple of christies and yeah the p book that nim picked up...Sophie's world...
pic on desktop: It says "DONT SHUT DOWN THE COMPUTER - ENCODING IN PROGRESS"
longing for: More freaks!!:D
weather: Blissful


SIX FIRSTS

memory: Leaves, trees
fav food: Lady's finger/Okra/Bhindi/...(Still is)
Pet:A squirrel...I forgot his name actually...or was it a her..?
drink: Air
Cigarette: Hmmm...thats a tough one...
Movie: Some freaky Sci-fi movie that I saw all alone into the nite...its about this kid who gets taken away by this freaky spaceship...damn it gave me nitemares for a decade...

SIX LASTS

Cigarette: (cough cough) what? aaahhh
Drink: Warm breeze
Car ride: Last week 2 AM ring road...
Movie Seen: Click
Phone Call: incoming?(None for like ever...hee hee) outgoin - Squirt
Last Book Read: The inscrutable americans...(hilarious)


HAVE YOU EVER

Broken the Law: The law? hee haa haa haa I write the law....
Been Arrested: Yeah! Definitely! I mean what what the question again?
Been on TV: Nope...Star movies begged me to host the opening night for Ring2 but I decided to let them live until the movie came out...
Lied: Lie? Me? Could I lie?(I dont even know what that bad word means!)
Kissed Someone You Didn't Know: Not that cruel, I don't want to assasinate strangers for nothin!


FIVE THINGS

You're Wearing: Not a good idea...hee hee

You've Done Today:
Well...
1.Spoke to nim and x just like old times...after looong time
2.Felt the happeist moments of 2007 so far...things seem to be falling into place.
3.Finished another borring ccna exam.
4.Went out for dinner...*burp*...I can barely sit straight
5.Allowed both nim and rad to take snaps of me...(nooooo! I'm ruined!!!!)

You Can Hear Right Now:My processor fan, my mum breathing 10 feet away...(:D), my harddisk, Wierd giggling sounds in my head...(I think its an after effect of spending too much time with the p gang)

You Can't Live Without: My mind, my faith, the ones that I love(man thats a loong list!), my books, my computer....hee hee

You Do When You're Bored:
-Think.(But I'm hardly ever bored coz then I start thinkin bout why I'm bored)
-Go over the whole day like a movie in my head.
-Conjure up ideas for writing new things.
-Read...
-Find people and tranfer my boredom...at the end of it all they just wanna kill themselves and I walk away elated...hee hee

FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN TODAY
College,Nandini palace(man that was good food),Corner house(The chocolate ice cream)


THREE PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO
Squirt, Dev, and the P ppl(more like one person hee hee)


TWO CHOICES

1. Faith

2. Trust


ONE THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
Find out how the economy of china functions...ha ha
(Actally I wanna be able to see the next 24 hours in my life after my death so I want to figure out a way to do that b4 i die)

Hey Brat!, thanks for making me do this...With all that mention of cigs I just might start ...

Freedomé

The sounds grew softer then,
I smiled wider, absorbed by time…
Soon as the dust settled down,
I stood alone – transfixed in glee,

Sight faded into the void beyond,
And the earth rose up to meet me,
There on the sweet smelling earth
My mind wandered to times bygone.

To days gone far by, another era,
Aye, swirling in thoughts was I,
Engulfed by the mind, the world,
Devoid of meaning abetted by fate,

In the midst of a gale, I stood lost,
Blind, but for the moment at hand
Unsure of the sounds that perched,
Jeering, waiting for failure to rise…

Then, before cognition could sink in,
Gales weakened to winds, fell away.
Replaced by a breeze, unnatural calm,
Leaving me lost, curiously – uneasy…

The breeze was moist, refreshingly soft,
With uncanny knack, it instilled inside,
Such warmth that it set my senses aglow,
Stirring up emotions, lay hidden inside…

Little leaves in the breeze gave me insight,
Showed me myself, from a different side,
Made me believe I could do what I’d not,
Thus, little leaves, evolve did my psyche

Then one fine day, I heard whispers in the air,
A voice that told me of lands beyond my reach,
It taught me to dream and then slowly believe,
Of a land so beautiful, it could shame paradise…

I was lost in the breeze, the leaves and the voice…
For the dream of freedom, did dissolve my mind,
And I pranced about feeling, that all was right…
I ignored like a fool, signs showing me true sight

I knew within, deep inside - I was still yet myself,
Naught can zephyrs, leaves or soft voices evade
What I was, for you see – they knew not what I
And soon came the day, they could take no more…

The breeze still so moist, veered out of my path…
Little leaves perturbed, drifted higher – up above
The voice faltered, weakened - almost faded away
For a second, I stood aghast – time stood static.

The sands of time, turned it course around,
And I found myself staring as it faded away
The breeze began to fade and voice subside,
I was left with but traces of last few leaves,

My mind swam back to the cold sweet earth
As I lay there I realized, it was not a dream,
For in me still did persist whims of my past,
Traces drawn out of the my friends foregone

As I lay there listening to the return of the gale,
Rage of the wind, familiar sneers echo about,
I realized for the first time, what I had found,
From my past I was finally – completely free…


16th Feb 2006
Manas R Moothedath